Oh, poo!

Poo makes me laugh. On one hand I think that's a sad statement because it seems so base and immature, and yet when I hear a funny poo story I can't help but laugh... and share it with my friends.
Last Friday our friends Amy and Allen came over, and we always have some good laughs with them. Amy and I took Groundlings improv/comedy classes together and then she performed in this stand-up show I produced years ago. Allen is her roommate and immediately became a friend in the process.

The last time they came over it was to see the house, and since we're living a Ghetto Fabulous life, Amy bought me a fun hat. She also wore these fantastic pink boots that we loved. Good food, fun conversation, yadda, yadda, yadda. (Below is a pic of me wearing the hat and my pimped out Playboy Mansion glasses from the 1960s that I got from my former boss, Paul Aaron. As you can see, Amy and I have our tickets to the gun show; BANG BANG!)

So Amy tells us that after the party the duo left and got into their car. Amy had to cross some grass in those same fabulous pink boots, but needless to say, this area isn't West Hollywood or Beverly Hills where you get ticketed if you don't curb your dog; hell, in Echo Park you can pick up everything from an old couch or mattresses to stray animals and obese children.

As Allen drove them home, Amy started smelling the offender but Allen thought she was imagining it. She then picked up her water bottle from the floor of the car.

"POO SLICE!" Amy screamed at the top of her lungs when she saw the offending feces sticking in a long brown slab on the side of the water bottle in her hand. "Poo slice! Poo sssslllliiiiiccccceeeee!!!!"

There was much screaming. The car swerved.

"Throw it out the window!" Allen yelled, cringing at the crap that may hit him as well.

But Amy wouldn't litter. She made him pull off the freeway, where Allen found a random Burger King napkin in his glove compartment and used it to wipe some of the gunk off while Amy cried. He then littered.

They eventually made it home but by then realized that Amy's bodacious boots were the offending carriers. She sealed that pretty pink pair in a bag and left them on their porch, where those hot heels sat untouched FOR TWO MONTHS. She had just cleaned them before coming to our place, but hasn't mustered the courage to put them on again.

Then there's Rick G. He and his partner, Matt, bought their condo shortly after Steve and I got ours, and we spent some time with them this past Saturday. Rick is a professional dancer-- and yes his time in the musical Cats counts, but when he was in school he had an even greater gastro-intestinal experience.

Picture it: New York. Some time ago...Rick and his female dance partner (We'll call her "Patty") are in a major dance program that, if they impress the assembled instructors and professionals, could launch their entire careers. But here's the thing... many female dancers take diuretics to help stay slim. Ew, I know. Anyway, Rick dances out on stage in his tights, does his pose, Patty glides out-- JUMPS up -- and sits on Rick's shoulder with a barely audible but nevertheless panicked, "Oooh!"

Poised as ever, Rick spins around with her on his shoulder-- all the while wondering what's wrong-- faces the audience, and then Patty slides across his chest and down onto the ground... leaving a smelly brown streak across his chest! From either nerves or pills or the athletic requirements (runner's trots are common, you know) she lost control of her bowels and left a lasting impression!

Patty looks at Rick, does a pirouette (or something like that) and immediately glides off the stage where the director attempts to somehow clean her tights. Rick now has the horrible realization that he's not only missing his dance partner but he's also sporting a poo sash, and all of it is happening in front of a crowd that could make or break his career.

So what does Rick do? Boldly finishes the performance alone.

As Rick said on Saturday, "And that established my career as a soloist."
...
Steve and I still haven't stopped laughing about those two stories.