Did You Know I'm Fat?

This pic was taken last Saturday. Now you could look at it and think I was:

A) A big fag.
B) Drunk.
C) Vain and nelly.
D) All of the above.

But "fat" or even out of shape wouldn't really come into it. In fact, at 35, I am in the best shape of my life. I lift weights three days a week, box on Tuesdays and Thursdays, spin on Saturday mornings and either hike, yoga or do some sort of outdoor activity on Sundays.

If nothing else, I hit 2007 and became a freak! Hell, working from home again allowed Steve and I to eat really healthy because we can plan and prepare everything we eat. Very healthy. Thank you very much.

Okay, so I'm being dramatic-- big surprise. But on Tuesday I went to Gold's Gym downtown because my old gym membership expired and I wanted a space closer to home.

So I go in and it's always this big "car dealership" feeling at these chain gyms. You fill out a hundred forms before meeting a sales person, then at Gold's the dude wants to know everything about me. I tell him about my workout schedule, that I just want to maintain what I've got and that I'm really happy.

Salesdude gives me the quick tour-- the place is packed but it's lunch time and this is downtown-- then he asks me to jump on a scale. I'm wearing a sweatshirt, have my phone and wallet, big Vans sneakers, and super baggy pants because I've leaned out so much they don't fit anymore. But I do it anyway. Then he hands me a digital thing and says he's going to do a body fat analysis. I'm 17%.

"That's okay," he says, showing me a scale where I fall in the third tier. "You're average, you know? Like a guy who works in an office and works out a couple times a week. But I know you want to be Above Average or in the Athletic column, right? So we can get you on a program..."

I hear things about getting rid of fat, toning up, being hot, blah blah blah. Then I stop him.

"Here's the thing," I say, recalling an article a trainer gave me recently. "When you do a body fat analysis you're not supposed to have done any strenuous workout on the day, nor are you supposed to have eaten much, and yet I went boxing this morning and ate a full lunch prior to coming here and I have a six-pack for the first time in my life so I think this is just a thing you're doing to try and sell me a big membership because I worked at a gym in college and I know how it works."

Then I noticed porn star Tony Valentino is a trainer. That's his gay porn name. I've seen him on straight and bi stuff, and I heard he's gay for pay. Who knows?

At that point I realized half the sales staff was looking at me in surprise.

The next thing you know, I'm being offered everything under the sun so I won't walk out. I took a free five-day membership to try it out, but yesterday was my first day and it sucked. Too chaotic. Too noisy. Too many people asking for spots and thinking I had too much body fat. Yuck.

I'm looking at new places today after another boxing class.