The Things I've Noticed During Jury Duty

1. They let anyone report for jury duty -- business people, working-class folk, conspiracy theorists and miscellaneous crazies.

2. In this regard, jury duty is very much like Disneyland.

3. The interview process is supposed to weed through the riff raff. In our case, they succeeded, which provides me with a small amount of comfort.

4. During that interview, the lawyers vainly attempt to get you to like them, and thus their client as well. Disturbingly, when the boring lawyer speaks and you start dreading what the trial might be like, you find yourself fighting the urge to stand up and yell, "GUILTY!"

5. The jury could really use those 5-Hour Energy Shots -- one in the morning and one four hours later.

6. No one cares about economic hardship, racism, or any other bullshit excuse you use to get out of serving.

During my interview I answered the following questions:

NAME? Richard Andreoli
WHERE DO YOU LIVE? Echo Park
MARRIED, SINGLE, IN A DOMESTIC PARTNERSHIP, LIVING WITH A SIGNIFICANT OTHER, OR HAVE SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE WHO COULD BE CONSIDERED YOUR PARTNER, BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND. AND DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?
Married. No children.
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? Screenwriter, author.
WHAT DOES YOUR SPOUSE DO? He (emphasis on "HE" because I might as well get political if I'm downtown) is a toy and collectibles designer for Disney and goes to (insert foreign country) all the time and does business with (insert nationality) people all the time.

(This is where I silently pray they'll ask if he likes it or hates it, and I can tell the story of when they factory owners brought him hookers in the hopes that my disgust would have me removed. But, ya see, they don't care.)

No one cared about any of that. In fact, the (slightly) more successful lawyer was skilled at using "husband" when asking about Steve. Then he asked about my screenwriting career. I started to hate him.

OTHER THINGS I OBSERVED:
7. The fun of living 10 minutes from the courthouse is quickly eclipsed by the panic of trying to also complete your regular job in the morning, during the 90 minute lunch break, and in the evenings.

8. The judge could use a 5-Hour Energy Shot as much as the jury.

9. The case isn't finished but I definitely know one thing the defendent is guilty of... WEARING PLEATS.

WHAT??? I KNOW! "Guilty! Guilty!"